


Toad is a worthless slacker

by PastaBucket



Category: Super Mario Bros. (Video Games)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Psychopaths, Burlesque, Castration, Dark Comedy, Depravity, F/M, Femdom, Humiliation, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Torture, Necrophilia, Netorare (cuckolding), No Plot/Plotless, Sadism, Satire, Too weird to be gay, Travesty, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-26 16:57:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15005282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastaBucket/pseuds/PastaBucket
Summary: We follow Toad - a hopeless slacker - as he desperately pursues the only woman within reach: Princess Peach.Written mostly for my own enjoyment and amusement, but you're welcome to read it too.Might get a continuation. Might not. I just grew bored with it and decided to stop.





	1. Toad betrays his country

The toads were all rushing down the hallway to meet their doom at the hands of the koopa army. They had to protect the princess from being kidnapped, and sure, the princess COULD hire less soft and squishy guards, but then she'd have to settle for a fat plumber instead of a big and handsome king, and that just wasn't part of her plan.

One of the toads held up for a moment, at one of the barrack doorways, to spare a look at Toad - not to be confused with all the other toads. Toad wasn't really as oblivious to the dire situation as he seemed, sitting there leaned back in his favourite comfy chair with his feet on the table, playing Nintendo games completely naked - it's just that he didn't care.  
The onlooking toad decided that trying to drag him along by the ear, would only slow him down, and so he just sighed and shrugged and hurried along, leaving Toad to his lifelong pursuit of hedonism.

Nintendo games was everything to Toad. He had no father or mother to speak of, and so he relied on video games for parenting, and they were great - made him feel like he was The Man. He wasn't quite at the stage where he'd just piss freely all over the seat whenever he felt like it, or pee in a bottle, but maybe he was getting there.

Toad took a break from the playing, and wandered off to the fridge in the kitchen. He didn't get why everybody wanted to protect the princess all the time. She could take care of herself, and if she really didn't want to get raped, she could probably take care of that herself. Fuck that shit. When has Peach ever done shit for HIM? Maybe if she sucked his dick, he'd consider it, but then again the only thing that he excelled at, was being a coward. Besides, who really rules these parts didn't really matter, as long as there was video games to escape to. ...and now he had the castle all to himself for at least a few weeks, which was nice and quiet. Toad would "keep the fire lit", so to speak. He could probably do the dishes if he had to - somebody had to do them too.


	2. The Furious Demands of Princess Needlepussy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which Toad gets caught and fed to a plant. ...basically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perverse stuff ahead.

The key to never having to cook more than once a day, was to drink lots of coffee - 6-7 cups a day could keep you alert enough to play level after level as the super hero that Toad was convinced that he was deep inside.  
The sound of a throat clearing behind him, startled him so much that he dropped his controller.  
He spun around and was nailed by the demanding gaze of "Princess Needlepussy", as he had nicknamed her in his mind.  
As she just stood there silently, glaring at him with her gloved hand on her hips, Toad attempted to awkwardly start the conversation on his own:  
"Uhm, hi there! ...your highness. How-how's it going?"  
For a moment Toad weighed the chances of this actually being his big dick sucking break, and that this was just the princess' tsundere mating call. After all, there was basically just the two of them there.  
Princess Needlepussy just pointed toward the exit: "It's piranha plant duty for YOU, mister!"

Toad sighed as he headed for the garden. Why Peach was keeping a big piranha plant as a pet there, in full view from her tower window, was all too obvious to him. No matter how skilled Toad was at avoiding death, the piranha plant always found a way to get a piece of him somehow, and he guessed that his tormented screams was music to her ears.  
Well, at least he didn't have to get shot by cannons, or get grilled alive, so that was a slight comfort.

He called her Princess Needlepussy because she was so inhumanly uptight that he had grown convinced that she was capable of clamping a weighted down needle between the lips of her labia, and keep needle and weight suspended there indefinitely, her vaginal canal being not much wider than that of a navel.

Toad screamed as the piranha plant made a dive for his legs, elegantly catching them both, whereupon it began shaking him about as a ragdoll while Toad desperately pummeled it with his watering can.


	3. Toad wallows in self-pity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which Toad gets halfway into the princess' knickers,  
>  at least in his own mind.

"It's true what they say: Women really are from the pits of hell.", Toad grumbled as he dragged his bleeding self into the castle.  
Toad people may not be tall, or strong, or even be able to run fast, but the one thing their mushroom bodies were good at, was regenerating wounds. Toad wouldn't be done hurting for a couple of days, but in the end, he'd be fine. ...and now he started to suspect that this had been Peach's plan all along. ...and it's not like they could revolt either - she'd probably just fry them and eat them.

When Toad's short and stout frame finally reached his quarters, he wasn't as out of breath as he was just mentally exhausted. This was just bullshit. He knew that Peach wouldn't let him off the hook this easily, and wouldn't take injuries for an excuse either.

Toad watched at the blood washed off down the drain. The teeth holes were patched up, from his throat to his thighs, but his body needed to stop bleeding through the bandages, so now all he had to do was wait for the coagulation to very slowly do its job. Why did mushroom people have to bleed anyway? It's not like he had any arteries or veins.

"There you are. Are you done sitting around feeling sorry for yourself?", Peach growled from the doorway. "We're out of food, and so you need to run off to the village to buy some."

"Why are you being so pissy?", Toad groaned. "I am barely able to stand up."

Needlepussy fixed him with another murderous stare. "'Oh woe is you.' I don't have to explain myself to you, servant. ...but you can count your blessings: I don't want your blood in my dinner, so I guess I'll be cooking for you. After all, isn't that 'a woman's job'?"

"Are we having dinner, just the two of us, then?", Toad lit up.

Needlepussy just laughed at him. "I lack words for you. 'Disgusting' and 'abominable' would just begin to describe you. You get the priviliege to eat my food, in your quarters."

Toad happily accepted her offer. He had read that dinner led to pussy, but so did meal preparation, in a way, and so this was the closest to porking the princess that he'd ever get in his life.


	4. Toad's Mighty Date-rape Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which Toad gets his thumb out of his ass for once.  
> ...figuratively speaking.

Toad didn't spare a thought to his brothers dying out there in the battlefield, because he didn't need to - as far as he was concerned, he was a busy, busy man. When he wasn't busy wasting his life away with Nintendo games, he was busy sleeping. Every now and then he'd hear an explosion in the distance, but as he was technically a pacifist, he had his own discomforts to worry about, namely trying to get out of bed in the morning, or trying to sit comfortably without groaning.

Today's breakfast consisted of princess-boiled eggs and milk, and he ate 'til he almost puked. ...but a new sordid passion had stirred within him. As he ate, he decided that he would seize this splendid opportunity of two-some-ness, to get into the princess' royal panties, so to speak, and that he would do so through her appreciation. Maybe if he did enough chores around the castle, the princess would feel such gratitude toward him, that she'd have no choice but to surrender her pussy to his little hungry mushroom pecker. ...which meant that he would have to best his biggest foe: His own laziness. He was going to start today. ...as soon as he stopped being stuffed, and had stopped bleeding, since his scabs kept cracking up every once in a while.

Toad groaned under the weight of the 10 kilo sacks of plant food. He didn't remember them being this heavy before, but then again maybe the plant bites were taking their toll too, with his frail mushroom shoulders creaking from the strain. ...but his decision was final: He would spread his spores deep inside the princess, or die trying, and the first step was to give that stupid plant something else to chew on other than him. Five sacks of it would have to do for a start - it was all that Toad could muster.

 

Princess Peach watched from her tower window, how the pathetic little cretin struggled with the sacks. It amused her, more than the little shade of blue that her minions produced when she strangled them to death, how genetically predisposed they were to serve her unquestioningly, but then again this was true for all males. They'd gladly fight and kill eachother, for just a whiff of her urine. Beyond pathetic. In time even Bowser would kneel before her in submission. It was in his genes to do so, just as it was in her genes to rule over all.


	5. Toad and Peach has The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which Toad has an existential crisis,  
>  when his tiny mushroom penis is called into question.

Toad lied in bed, regretting everything. He had torn both his arms, and that would take months to heal. He was done. His passion for pussy had destroyed him. All he could do now was to die from shame.

"Well, you sure fed that plant.", Peach smirked from the doorway, in response to his moans.

"My arms are off. I can't do any more for you. ...'your highness'.", he sighed.

"I actually believe you for once."

"You do?"

"Yeah, males do stupid things like this all the time, thinking they'll get into my panties that way.", she said without taking her piercing eyes off him.

Toad could only try to suffocate himself with his own pillow as a reply. He was so busted. There just was no hope. It was either being useless to her, or being a horntoad, and both alternatives was worse than the other one.

"That won't help.", she calmly remarked.

She was right: He could still breathe through the holes in the fabric. ...and the princess didn't seem willing to help him out either. He gave up.

"Since I've got nothing better to do around here, let's have 'the talk'.", she said in a bored tone, and seated herself on the small TV table.

"The talk?", he wondered.

"Yes, every once in a while, one of you go nuts. It's perfectly normal. After all you're all male, with male urges, and I'm the only woman around these parts. ...and so you try to outdo yourselves trying to woo me."

Toad could only lie there gaping in surprise at her casual words.

"...and so you do all kinds of stupid things,", she continued. "from trying to catch my attention, to trying to smear your disgusting spores all over my underwear drawer or the soap in my shower."

Toad hadn't even thought that far yet.

"Of course we can't have mad toads running around trying to give their ruler yeast infections, so do you know what we do with them?", she wondered, head tilted to one side.

Despite her kind smile, her fixed stare at him suddenly filled Toad with mortal fear. The princess patiently waited for a reply from him, but his mind wouldn't dare imagine how she'd kill him.

"We fix them.", she casually said, raising a pair of large, elegant sewing scissors, and demonstrating the procedure by snipping them together twice.

Toad woke up screaming like a madman, fighting the covers despite the pain. It had been all too real.


	6. The great slacking of Toad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which Toad just relaxes with a cup of tea.  
>  Feel free to skip this chapter.

Toad didn't really know when to quit, but he knew plenty about finding time to rest and relax, which is what he planned to dedicate the whole day to. He started by kicking back in his comfy videogaming chair, in his underwear, with a cup of tea. He spared his mushroom brothers a thought, sincerely hoping that none of them would make it back to disturb this blissful slow romancing of the princess.

He had heard about that one time, where she picked up a troublesome guard and just squeezed the life out of him in the main hallway in front of everybody, so he had to do what she commanded of him out of self-preservation, but on the other hand, he was a valuable asset around here, since he was the only one around to do anything, so he didn't have to do a good job of it.

That thing about the underwear and the soap, had been brilliant ideas, though. Barring drugging the princess, or tying her up, that would probably be closest he'd get to even remotely filling her uterus with his mushroom seed. ...but he'd have to be careful about it, and so until the opportunity presented himself, he'd bide his time. Amused, he envisioned the pregnant princess spurting forth all kinds of toads from her womb, wondering how in the kingdom THAT could have happened. Aaah, she would be his.

The cannon fire in the distance had grown faint now, with self-appointed hero Mario having "valiantly defended the chastity of the princess" over half the kingdom by now. Mario was a weird guy. The guy just did his own thing, acting like a bodyguard for the princess, yet it was like he didn't even care about her. Toad figured that he was probably gay, and that Luigi really wasn't his brother. He had just shown up one day, apparently from some village called "Brooklyn", and rescued the princess, and after that he just stuck around, sunbathing when he didn't do the plumbing around the castle. He had the mentality of a five year old - an extremely VIOLENT five year old - and his brother wasn't much more mature.


	7. Toad buys bread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which Toad tried to buy some bread,  
>  which is more complicated than it sounds.  
> ...honestly.

The shop owner greeted him with a big smile: "Good day to you, sir! How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy some bread.", Toad explained, unphased.

"Some bread? We have LOTS of bread for sale here. Any particular KIND of bread? Light? Dark? Sweet? Sour? Apple bread?"

"Well, I'm looking for a particular kind of bread, that doesn't contain toadstool. Do you have that?"

"What? No toadstool?". The man gave him a surprised look. "Whatever do you mean?"

"Look, every time there's a koopa invasion going on, you guys pull the same shit, trying to get rid of the bodies by putting them into your food, and I've had it. I'm not eating my own kind anymore, and I'm pretty sure that toadstool isn't healthy to eat either."

"Nonsense!", the bread seller exclaimed. "Nobody's died from a little toadstool in their bread. Think of it as spicy yeast! Don't you know that Mario grows big and strong by eating toadstools?"

"I so don't care. Tell me you have bread without toadstool in it."

"So you basically want bread without any flavour in it - is that what you're telling me? You want just the baked dough?"

"I just want the baked dough, yes."

"Well, let me see... Uh, oh yes, here's some flavourless, toadstool-less bread."

"...with no toadstool in it?"

"With less toadstool in it, yes."

"LESS toadstool?"

"Well, just a little - barely enough to keep it together."

"How much toadstool is there?"

"Less than 50%."

"How about one with zero percent?", Toad asked with great patience.

"Oh, you truly are a mad one... Let me see... Oh yes, there's one loaf left, completely toadstool free."

"No toadstool at all?"

"No toads-" - The shop owner inspected the loaf closely, just to make sure. - "No toadstool, I'm sure."

"Okay, I'll take it. How much?"

"100 coins."

Toad gave him a murderous look, but since the money came out of the castle funds, he could afford it, and there just was no use arguing any further.


	8. Toad finally gets some nightly action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which Toad gets a horny nightly visitor just dying to fuck him raw.

"Toooaaad...", a voice suddenly groaned next to him.  
Toad awoke in the middle of the night to find a shadowy figure hovering over him. A moment later he had tried his best to huddle away from the intruder, into the safer corner of his bunkbed.  
"Don't you recognize me, Toad? It's me - your boy Froggo."  
It took a while for Toad to realize that the toad was literally hovering from off the ground, and that its lips didn't move when he - it - spoke.  
This toad was dead.  
"Where were you, Toad? We needed you on the battlefield, Toad. I am now dead because of yooou..."  
Yup, this was even worse than he first imagined it to be. He could only stare into the lifeless face of his fallen brother, his little heart audibly thumping their last thumps in his chest, while producing a feeble whimper in response.  
"I searched everywhere for you, Toad. I should have known that you'd be here, trying to seduce the princess.", the zombie-ghost continued in its unnatural disembodied voice.  
"You are so stuupid, Toad...", it groaned, its head jerking about for every word. "...and so I've come to KILL YOU!", it screamed as it finally hurled itself onto him.  
Toad instinctively squealed like a little girl, flailing about in all directions under the weight of his attacker, while pissing himself uncontrollably.  
To his surprise the ghost gave up and soon slid off the bed and down on the floor. That's when he heard another disembodied voice, coming from above him.  
Then he realized that it wasn't another ghost.  
Peach lowered herself from the top bunk while still laughing her ass off. "Oh boy, I wish I could have seen your face - hahahaha!"  
She picked up the lifeless toad corpse from the floor again, this time without bothering to correct its unnaturally tilted head, as she continued throwing her voice: "I am so hooorny, Toad. I have come to confess my undying love for you, Toad. Make love to me, Toad!" Peach's second throwing of "Froggo" was equally disturbing, but for a completely different reason. Toad quickly pushed the decaying corpse off him, but he just didn't know what to say, as he wasn't allowed to even raise his voice to her in protest. He could only hope that this was amusing enough for her to leave him alone to his puddle of piss.  
Peached lowered herself, peering into the bunk with a happy smile.  
"Well?", she asked. "Don't you want to know how I found him?"


	9. Toad sexually harasses the princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which the private parts of the princess is called into question.

"You are the most pathetic excuse for a servant I've ever had the displeasure to put up with.", she remarked in annoyed disapproval.  
Toad could only grunt in reply, struggling every meter, trying to drag the heavy body of his kin through the hallway by one of its arms. Once the princess had had her fun, her used toy was now to be dragged out into the garden.  
"Okay, fine, you can take a break. Join me in the dining hall. I want him out of here by TODAY."  
Toad dropped the lifeless arm and looked up sheepishly at the princess. She was the only one with a pussy, and so she had to be obeyed, but did the pussy need to be attached to somebody who threw corpses at him?  
"Well don't give me that look! Wash your hands and then make me a cup on cocoa. ...NOW!"  
Toad set off down the hall as best as he could, dizzy from it all.

"Well, as it turns out, you weren't the ONLY cretin who had decided to stay behind.", she calmly told him while she took her first sip. "I found this guy hiding in the attic, once I noticed that somebody had been rummaging through my kitchen late this evening. ...and so at first I was mad, but I managed to calm down enough to stop punching him, and settle into a more passive aggressive form of torture. Took him hours to die, and it was a joy to fill every inch of his soul with regret. Since you all look alike to me (apart from the gut) at first I thought he might be you, but I went to check, and there you were, asleep and fully unaware, and so I thought that you'd make a cute couple together.", she giggled. "...and I know what you're thinking, but no, you can't keep him. Bodies go on the compost heap, or they'll stink up my whole castle."

Toad didn't say a word, first of all because he didn't know what to say to all of this madness, and secondly he was far from in any position to disagree with royalty.

"Well say something!", the princess demanded.

"Uh-uhm, wha-...", he began stammering, searching his empty head for anything. This was his chance to have an opinion - to impress, to be a person before the princess. "Uhm, wha-where do babies come from?"

The princess just silently raised a skeptical eyebrow at him. That could have gone better. ...like anywhere else but a reference to the royal needlepussy.


	10. Toad finally loses his virginity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which there is finally a saucy sex scene in this fic.  
>  Enjoy.

Toad had lost track of time, but the sun was high in the sky when he finally arrived at the compost with the body. There was at this point a red trail in the track behind him, so turning the toad over was out of the question.

Needlepussy hadn't said a word to his question - she just kept on sipping her cocoa in eerie silence, eyeing him nonstop, to Toad's increasing discomfort. There was always some kind of a game with her, which probably meant that she hadn't grown bored enough with him to kill him yet, so that was good. Still, he knew that this was all that he had to look forward to now, when he had so expertly blown his chances. This was it. His desperation had just died into resignation now. He'd never know what it would be like to be with a woman, or what her soft breasts would feel like. With his last shreds of hope and dignity gone, Toad looked down at the lifeless body at his feet. Fuck it. This would have to do. There were just the two of them now, and while the toad didn't have all the shapes of the princess, it had an opening. He would finally lose his virginity, and he'd think of her while doing it.

Princess Peach giggled at the sorry spectacle playing out beneath her window, the servant's exposed little butt humping the corpse like there was no tomorrow. This was both entertaining, and too pitiful to watch at the same time. She shook her head: These little gnomes truly had no shame or worth in them.


End file.
